The Chakra

The Chakra is something that I have been curious about for a while. While I look at this picture, for some odd reason it gives e peace. . This picture is something that would like to get a tattoo of on my back or something like this one.I read upon about the Chakra and the meditation that goes with it. It gives me a sense of peace. Please let me know what kind of experience that you get with meditation of the Chakra.chakra tree

Left Out

So today I have decided that maybe I should start back on my regimen of getting back to myself. Taking care of me is something that I have left in the past. This happens more that I think that it should. Probably because I am a perfectionist, but there is a lot of stress when it comes to that mindset. I have my books and my lists that I should do everyday. Most of the time I am trying too hard to get everything done “just so”. It seems that there isn’t enough time for that “just so”.

But the main reason that I am writing this today is because I feel left out. You see my daughter got married this last weekend. The man that she married is a great guy. But in all the process of it all I think that I really messed things up for my kids and myself.

My sister and her new husband came to our home early, my boyfriend and I had picked them up, they were out of state. The main reason that they came early was so that they could help me out with the painting of my kitchen. Come to find out, they really didn’t want to help. Not realizing what mental problems that my new brother in law had, I found out quickly that we had some major differences. I tried and chose to try to ignore most of what he did and said to me. But the day that we all, my brother included, were to go to the rehearsal dinner, my brother in law decided to mumble something on the way downstairs where we smoke cigarettes. He had just woken up and from my understanding he just needed some time alone. I thought about it and decided that I really didn’t want his negative attitude around my daughter as it was her day. Before we knew it I was screaming at him and shaking and was making threats to harm me. My sister tried to intervene but left the house feeling stuck in the middle. ¬†Needless to say I told him to get out of our house and that my boyfriend would not be happy with the fact that he had threatened me. My sister and her husband decided not to go as they stood in the rain. I stopped and told them they could go back to the house as my brother and I left for the rehearsal dinner.

As I drove I felt heaviness in my heart not sure if what I had done was the right thing or not. As we got closer to the town where my daughter lives I decided to call her to make sure where I knew where we were going. After a couple of hang ups my son answered saying that my daughter and him were going after my sister and her husband to pick them up and bring them to the rehearsal dinner. There were other harsh words said, including that my daughter was angry at me and didn’t want to talk to me. At this moment I realized that when I got there, everyone was going to be upset with me. Should I go? With some courage I decided that it would be better to go than not to. My brother and I got there and we were totally ignored. Which I had anticipated. My daughter and son finally got there with my sister and her husband. My son pulled me to the side and gave me a good talking to. He proceeded to tell me that I was a mother, not a parent. Not sure what that meant but I kept on trying to listen to what he was saying. I understood most of it. Some of my mind didn’t understand what he was saying but I think that I got the jist of it. He told me to wait there till my daughter came out to talk to me and to think about what I was going to say and how I was going to respond to her. When she came to talk to me she said that she was stressed out about the wedding and that she didn’t want me there and asked me to leave. So I did. I asked her when and where she wanted me for the next day. She let me know and off I went to go home. Finding out that my sister and her husband had packed all of their things out of the spare bedroom. Boyfriend was not happy to find out all that had happened and decided that it would be a bad idea to go to the wedding. As he is protective of me and was not happy that I had gotten threatened, and other situations he was not happy with.

Next day I was supposed to get my hair done at the same place that she was. But she didn’t say that she wanted me there so I didn’t go. I was invited for the wedding pictures and for the wedding. My sister was at the park where we got the pictures taken and she was not upset with me about the situation, but concerned. Again there wasn’t much people had to say to me.

Got to the wedding and again was ignored by all except my family. My daughter didn’t speak to me unless it was important, otherwise ignored.

She was gorgeous and the whole wedding was just as it should have been. My now new in-laws never even looked at me or spoke to me. Ignored. My son too busy with his sister and his friends. Even my future daughter in-law didn’t want to talk to me. The only person that kept me going was my grandson. There was a dollar dance, so I danced with my new son-in-law and my daughter, neither really wanted to say anything to me, making me feel even more pushed out of the picture. My daughter grumbled at me as my grandson and I danced with her. Found out the sex of the baby that my daughter and son-in-law were having. A boy! After a while I decided to take my leave and go home.

I watched on Facebook as there were tons and tons of pictures of the wedding. But as looked closer. There were none of me. My feelings are hurt but I choose to not say anything really about it. Part of what happened was my fault. I have decided that I need to let my babies go and let them live their lives and not butt in. I have hope that if I am wanted that they will let me know. Otherwise I am stepping back and wishing the best for them.

I feel as if I have lost my kids.

Christmas days

I have to sIay that I am doing very well. I am with a man that loves me dearly. I live in a very small small town now. I had a great birthday and my daughter took me out to eat and then my significant other paid for all of it, daughter wanted to pay for just me but then he surprised him and he just paid for all of us.

Got a call from my son saying that him and his family will be spending Christmas with them. This makes me sooooo happy. Almost to the point that I am so happy I could cry. Daughter will be sleeping as she will have to work that night.

This year has been a rough one.. But I think that I will be just fine where I am. And I hope that I am staying here for the rest of my life. I really like it here. It is quiet. I get my quiet time while boyfriend is working 12 hour shifts. But then he gets 3 days off in a row. He is treating me with love and respect and just everything that I need.

I am not sleeping well lately, I need to change my meds probably. But I don’t feel so stressed out as I had in the past. Don’t have to worry about work at the moment. I really enjoy staying at home. I have so much that I can do and I really don’t mind the housework. In fact I kinda enjoy it.

My brother is coming to stay with us soon. I really am having a hard time with waiting. But he will be here soon enough. I really miss him. And our relationship is great. It will be nice to be able to have someone to talk to.

No Christmas tree, but I am okay with that. I will get a tree when they are on sale or just get one next year. But we just moved into the new house and we have  been pretty busy with getting everything together.

Today my fibro is starting to act up . I will have to take my time and get some rest. Getting up before 4 am I am starting to get tired. I will probably take a nap at some point in the day.

Fibromyalgia

I have been dealing with this disease for over 10 years. And it is starting to take it’s toll on my body. I have super tender skin, I might brush up against a wall or something and the pain is intense. Some of you might already have experienced Fibromyalgia, but for others I would like you to offer you some help in understanding it. If you have ever fallen or been in a car wreck, and you were so sore afterwards that you could hardly move. That feeling of pain is what I and millions suffer. There is no cure and all that is offered is medication that doesn’t take away the pain but just dull it to where it is tolerable. Depression is something that seems to be a symptom and result of “Fibro”. Then there is other problems that go along with that.

This is not a disease that should be ignored or be judged. As science keeps looking for a cure they have learned that “Fibro” is also a type of arthritis. I am 38 and because I am this “young” I fear that in less than 10 years I will not be able to work or move around and do daily things hardly or ever at all. I will loose my independence.

Please look into this if someone you knows finds out that they have Fibromyalgia or may even have symptoms of it.

December grays and blues.

So I haven’t written in a little while. I have so much on my mind these days. My birthday is coming up in a few days and it actually makes me a little depressed. Christmas is very near by, I usually give out presents. But this year I can’t afford to give anything to anyone. I am disappointed that I can’t give out presents to my kids or my grandson. That makes me feel worse that just depressed.

I have been to the point of depression that I lost the will to do anything. Well except work. And that is something that I can’t stand especially when I am depressed. At this point in my life I feel more alone than ever. I don’t have anyone that I can just hang out with or just be with. I stay at home and play my computer games, watch Netflix, and sleep. I do have in house company, but it isn’t the same. I feel as if I need something more. Someone more. I am afraid that I will be alone forever. The thing is, I have tried an online dating site. So far everyone that I talk to is really old or just wants sex. A relationship that I need will require sex I am very sure of that. I want to get to know someone and fall into love. I know that it happens. I want that warm feeling of knowing that someone will hold me. That feeling that I can hold someone’s hand in public and it feel natural.

I am also experiencing a lot of little bad luck situations. I don’t like that these things happen. But I have seemed to get used to get to things like this, and I can’t blame anyone really. I feel cursed sometimes that I am just supposed to be this way. Depressed and just hopeless. I won’t harm myself or anything but a lot of times I just have no motivation or hope. I am taking medicine for my depression and all the other things that make my days a little harder to deal with.

Sometimes I want to get out of this situation. I would like to spend my days feeling good and not so much pain (both physical and mental). There are times where I just want to get into my car and just drive till I get to where ever. Just start out fresh. But I know that is just a dream. People tell me that they don’t want me to disappear. But these people don’t even call or come over to make sure that I am okay or just to visit. Never understood that.

I am trying to learn how to control how I feel about things. Some days are worse than they are better. The thing is, I hate knowing that there are going to be good days and I know that these days are great. The crappy thing about it is that I know that I am going to crash in a day or two after I have my good days.

I am hoping that maybe someone can get to know me through my blogs and maybe someone will fall in love with me. Take me away… lol. But I know that there is a slim possibility that will ever happen. I hope that I can write everyday. Good therapy and I want the world to know who I am. What I go through every day.

I hope that you follow me throughout the journey of my life.

Frustrated

Truly frustrated. I am with someone that I love. We rarely have sex because he has baggage and I am a very sexual person. Not sure what to do. The more I get frustrated the more upset I get. I know that he has issues, but I have my own issues as well. I need that physical touch. Not only sexual physical touch but just touch period. Trying not to think about it, but I do have needs as well. I have learned that I can’t say anything to him. There is either no response or he says that is all that I think about. He says that a relationship involves more than sex. He even said that he could be okay with a sexless relationship. I feel that most times we are best friends. Best friends usually don’t have sex. I am so confused on what to do.