December grays and blues.

So I haven’t written in a little while. I have so much on my mind these days. My birthday is coming up in a few days and it actually makes me a little depressed. Christmas is very near by, I usually give out presents. But this year I can’t afford to give anything to anyone. I am disappointed that I can’t give out presents to my kids or my grandson. That makes me feel worse that just depressed.

I have been to the point of depression that I lost the will to do anything. Well except work. And that is something that I can’t stand especially when I am depressed. At this point in my life I feel more alone than ever. I don’t have anyone that I can just hang out with or just be with. I stay at home and play my computer games, watch Netflix, and sleep. I do have in house company, but it isn’t the same. I feel as if I need something more. Someone more. I am afraid that I will be alone forever. The thing is, I have tried an online dating site. So far everyone that I talk to is really old or just wants sex. A relationship that I need will require sex I am very sure of that. I want to get to know someone and fall into love. I know that it happens. I want that warm feeling of knowing that someone will hold me. That feeling that I can hold someone’s hand in public and it feel natural.

I am also experiencing a lot of little bad luck situations. I don’t like that these things happen. But I have seemed to get used to get to things like this, and I can’t blame anyone really. I feel cursed sometimes that I am just supposed to be this way. Depressed and just hopeless. I won’t harm myself or anything but a lot of times I just have no motivation or hope. I am taking medicine for my depression and all the other things that make my days a little harder to deal with.

Sometimes I want to get out of this situation. I would like to spend my days feeling good and not so much pain (both physical and mental). There are times where I just want to get into my car and just drive till I get to where ever. Just start out fresh. But I know that is just a dream. People tell me that they don’t want me to disappear. But these people don’t even call or come over to make sure that I am okay or just to visit. Never understood that.

I am trying to learn how to control how I feel about things. Some days are worse than they are better. The thing is, I hate knowing that there are going to be good days and I know that these days are great. The crappy thing about it is that I know that I am going to crash in a day or two after I have my good days.

I am hoping that maybe someone can get to know me through my blogs and maybe someone will fall in love with me. Take me away… lol. But I know that there is a slim possibility that will ever happen. I hope that I can write everyday. Good therapy and I want the world to know who I am. What I go through every day.

I hope that you follow me throughout the journey of my life.

I feel as if I am always frustrated. It doesn’t matter how far or how fast I run from it, it is always there. Trying to oil the machine that runs all that is in my life. My family, friends, work, everyday tasks and more. Just seems too much to handle at times. I break down and shut down. At times I just can’t function. I can’t talk to people, can’t work, can’t take care of myself. I know that part of that is just depression. I try really hard to keep my chin up. And they sucky part of some of this is.. I start to feel better thinking that I can handle the world. I go out and start breathing life and those that surround me. And I realize that I am being totally unrealistic about how I handle things. I know this but I don’t know how to fix this. So I trudge along knowing that it will happen again. Knowing that I don’t know when or what is going to trigger the nasty feelings I have when I get frustrated and what stems from being frustrated. For a long time I thought that I had normal thoughts and feelings. Just thought that everyone went through the same types of emotions that I do.